I finally did it!I now have a directory with pages to all my Danfics, Philphics, Pj, Chris, other, and phanfics.
Imagine walking in on Dan making his Krave video and him being so embarrassed he just fell on the floor laughing at himself.
(Jesus are you guys trying to fucking kill me? D: )
I looked at him. He has his eyes closed and his head tilted towards the sky. The wind making the little black strands that stick up slightly sway. Everything seemed perfect because the man next to me was perfect.
It’d been rough. Though I loved him, he didn’t know. I wanted him to know.
"Dan?" His voice crushed the silence, the words like velvet.
I made a kind of grunt sound imitating one of a “Hm?”
I guess he had taken not of my staring after a while. I never mean to. But I mean… look at him. His eyes are an icey blue, deeper than all the oceans layered on top of them. The slight blue tint in his hair was a beautiful contrast to the normal blue I have come to love. We’re so much alike. Which is weird. I hate literally everything about myself, and yet I love the reflection I call Phil. I love him deeply. Truly. I don’t expect a lot of people to understand.
"I’m sorry." I managed.
He seemed to chuckle, flashing a caring smile.
"Phil." I smiled to make my question a joke, yet in my mind I hoped he would take it seriously. "What do you think about the new reasons why ‘Phan’ exists?"
He laughed. “If I were a viewer, I’d start believing it. If I saw the pictures alone, no clue who were were or anything, um, I’d think we were together. That happens a lot I guess. They let their mind shape their reality. But that doesn’t have to be our reality.”
I chuckled though my heart sank. I though he’d never love me.
"Besides. I don’t think anyone would want to love me anyway." He said.
I was astounded. This coming from the nicest person I knew. This coming from the man I loved. He doesn’t understand.
"That’s not true." I hissed out quickly.
"Dan?" He looked at me, slightly confused and slightly curious. He always was curious. It was adorable.
When I didn’t reply, he laid back on the blanket and looked up at the stars. We did this monthly. Camped out in a field that seems to slowly become the hot spot where couples stay. If only we could be same as the couple who come here. Kiss under the moonlight and joke until the am. I wanted no more than to lay on his chest, kiss under his chin and fall asleep in perfect bliss.
I did some of it.
I lied next to him and stared up at the sky like him.
"Dan. I need you to know something."
"What?" I don’t think this is going to be good.
"I—" He hesitated. Thought again. This is definitely not going to be good. "I love you." The words came out like a sigh, a breath of hesitation mixed with disappointment.
"That’s pretty unfortunate." He stroke a look of hurt and looked down. "Because I love you too."
There is no clue how the world will handle this. Tumblr will erupt in joy for the official beginning of Phan. Some will hate us and perhaps we’ll lose half of our followers. But honestly, I don’t care. I’d do anything for this moment to be real. Not like it wasn’t.
He sat up and looked at me. Caught in the moment, I abruptly kissed him. His lips were soft against mine, the taste of his chap-stick and the wine we recently had flooding my mouth. It remained there even after I pulled back.
Instead of pulling away or hissing a line of words at me, he placed his forehead on mine. It was like I, and apparently many others, dreamed it to be. This was our fairytale moment. Twisted in such a manor, but still fairytale moment.
And then my hopes happened. I laid on his chest, kissed the spot underneath his left side jaw, and drifted to sleep. Intoxication and the content feeling of being loved lulling me to a numb slumber.
The morning sun was bright. It flooded my eyes, making me sit up and rub them like a child.God I must’ve looked so stupid. Thank fucking Jesus Phil wasn’t there to see me. Wait. Phil wasn’t there? He had left. No note. No goodbye. No help with packing up what became our official first date last night. Maybe he was drunk. Perhaps it was the red wine speaking last night, not him.
I packed and walked. Got a cab. Went home. There was no note there either. No sign of him coming home. The door was locked, his room empty. The bathroom like we left it. Where was Phil? I became more and more worried as he let the phone ring, not picking up. Maybe he left for good. Maybe he was ashamed and just needed away from me. So, I waited.
Watching TV did not make the time go faster, but it made it feel like time didn’t just stop. The day had to be the longest of my life. Glancing at the door every so often and looking vacantly at the television for a few minutes did not make the day very interesting. I didn’t eat. I didn’t go online or make a video. I didn’t text Tyler Oakley or Chris or Pj. I sat. Waited. Watched. Waited. And then waited more. Around nine, I gave up and went for a walk.
I guess you can say it happened in a blur. My phone rang. I answered. The words dripped from the phone and into my mind like knives attempting to kill me. They got pretty close. I didn’t catch a cab or anything. I just… ran. I ran as fast as I could, knocking into people and running into buildings. Weaving through traffic and darting through alleys to get there faster. I didn’t check in. I just went to the room they said in the call. Phil was laying in the bed, and IV hooked up to his arm.
"Phil—" I gasped, my lungs burning with the lack of precious oxygen. He was asleep. The doctors hushed me.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked in a panicked yet almost whispering voice.
The doctors exchanged glances. They asked how I didn’t know. Know what, I said. And they explained. In the simplest and probably the softest was possible. The information was like landing on soft pillows with spiked daggers underneath. He was going to die. And I could do nothing about it.
The next five days were slow. He was asleep most of them. But on the sixth, he woke up and talked to me. Talked to me? It was basically a confessional. We talked all day, none of the doctors even thinking about disrupting us. It wasn’t the wine talking that night. We were together. And I loved it. For that one day, it almost felt normal. Lion on his shoulder and video camera with it’s whole attention on us, we told. We spoke the truth in and kissed in that very hospital room, not caring who saw. Doctors, passing nurses or patients, the camera especially. We were one on the sixth day.
"I love you." I repeated almost sixty times.
"I love you too" he replied after each.
Despite all his wishes for me to go upload the video, I stayed. I wasn’t leaving my best friend, my lover, to upload a video onto a stupid website. Not yet, at least. I eventually fell asleep with my arms snaked around on of his and my head on the arm rest of the white bed, the humming of machines and Phil’s voice giving me a perfect sound to sleep.
There was no full seventh day. Around 9 am things went critical and doctors fled into the room, pushing me out. Their srs bsns was frantic and needy. I watched through the window on the door, waiting for them to calm down and say it was alright. They did calm, but no one looked happy. I was let in for five minutes to say what could’ve been a goodbye. They didn’t answer me when I asked what the assumed outcome would be.
We talked softly, normally until the doctors pushed me out. Phil was so frail and quiet. But he was still Phil. He was still the happy man I loved and lived with. He was still my lover and still the one I’d want to be with for the rest of my life. I was his Kurt and he was my Blaine. We loved each other and would until the end.
The doctors were frantic again. And as I stood outside the door, watching the window again, it all seemed to stop. Time stopped again. Phil had flat lined.
Within the half of the seventh day
"I love you" I repeated almost sixty times.
"I love you too," he replied after 59.